A thousand airports: love and affection in the journey, difficult A-B choices and options in life, courage and experience that have grown quietly

About 10 years ago, I got my second passport. In the following years, with this little small piece (that renewed many times), I roamed many airports in the world. Some of them are gorgeous: the entire airport is an amusement park, and some are jittered. When the bumpy plane arrived, I thought I had come to a desolate grassland. In this movement of space and time, I collected memories and witnessed some changes over the years. At the airport, on the journey, and in the pulse of the constantly changing global business and cultural exchanges, I want to write some fragmented memories, and some flashbacks of affection over the years. If time can be stopped, which may really be frozen as a dimension in a relative way, we can trace the nodes that give meaning to our very short lives.

Tough Choices

In my short life at the moment, I have made some difficult decisions. How to decide if a decision is difficult? For me, it was a short period of time I was restless; inside of me there was a bucket of pressures, and I was unsure of what to do next. I don’t have “many” difficult decisions, in fact, the ones that can be remembered and be noted as “life-changing” can be counted with half the palm.

The first one happened when I went from the UK to the US.

When I was studying for my bachelor’s degree, I was fortunate enough to participate in a joint-degree program in two schools in the United Kingdom and the United States. I could spend two years in the United Kingdom, then two years in the United States, in a way learning the knowledge and obtaining the two diplomas in four years.

In the beginning, I felt very lucky. I worked hard and cherished the opportunity. However, after a happy and unforgettable first year in the UK, I started to ponder over the possibility of backing off from the US plan next year.

The programme was new, so I was among the second batch of students. Some students had previously dropped out of the programme, choosing to stay at one school. By the time I was at the door of leaving, I began to understand why. After a year of studying and building a social life in a foreign country, I just established a firm foothold. I met like-minded friends who I thought to be lifelong. I hang around with them all over Europe, driving a big Benz with the back cover open and galloping cocktail in Frankfurt at night. We went to the chicest rooftop in Athens with Acropolis across sight. I also just met a guy in Europe. There were many uncertainties about the future. Leaving those good friends and a lover whom I just started to have feelings and going to another country thousands of miles away sank my heart into the ocean.

At the end of the first year, the programme dean held a pre-trip Q&A meeting for the United States. I was in this extremely hesitant and uneasy state for 1-2 weeks. After class every day, I trekked miles with my feet to the golf course against the strong Scottish winds and hails. After practice at the driving range, I went home and chatted with some senior students to understand why some people chose to quit. Some of them had the same concerns that stopped me. We just started to develop a root in one place. We had good friends, boyfriends and girlfriends, rising careers, and easy travels in Europe at any time. These beautiful parts are important parts of human life, why give up and rebuild in such a short time? Didn’t we just build our comfort zone?

 There was another boy in the same programme as I. I knew that he just met his girlfriend in the UK. After many years, I saw on social media of both parties that they are still together, but I also witnessed some of his hesitation and pains through these difficult years as an acquaintance in the same programme.

Time was pressing. At some point I had to make a decision, whether to get on a plane to America, or to quit.

After returning from golf practice one morning, I invited my German teacher for coffee. On the one hand, I wanted to thank her for her kind guidance the past one year. On the other hand, I wanted to make another friend or contact. On the back end, I wanted to entrust her with my golf clubs. I bought this set of Calloway clubs in St Andrews. There were also a few very valuable second-hand clubs used by famous golf stars. I thought that if I went to the United States, I would first fly to China so bringing the clubs would be inconvenient. In fact, today, ten years later, I have a little regret, if only I had brought it with me! Later, when I played in life, I always had to rent clubs on site…

In the afternoon, the sun shined through the huge glass in the café. The German teacher was wearing the German-style simple single colour shirt and a pink pant as usual. Her greetings were also simple and direct. I thanked her for her great German lesson and chatted with her on random things. Then, I said, I have a question I want to know your opinion, a decision that I am a little bit tangled up.

In fact, I was not close to the German teacher, so it was a little strange to ask her a personal question and try to convey the information relevant to a life decision in a few sentences.

She said, hmm, if it’s a problem of your life, I’m not sure I can help, but go ahead.

I said, Mrs, I’m in this UK-US 2-2 joint degree program, and I’m going to America in the summer. I don’t know if I want to go. I’m thinking of quitting. I have good friends and maybe a boyfriend here. I like the UK and Europe very much. My school, career and personal life are good here. I’m just finding my comfort zone and I don’t want to leave.

The German teacher took a few seconds and said, I think it is possible to get out of the comfort zone and take a look at the outside world. There may be some unexpected gains for you.

In fact, what she said was the advice I wanted to collect but not the answer I wanted to hear. I wanted her to understand my emotional difficulties. I wanted to hear her saying something that would encourage me to stay. After parting with her, the stone in my heart did not fall. I asked this same question to some other people, close and distant, for more advice. The information I got was mixed. Many people felt that I could stay. Everything was fine. My brain also said stay. Why I wanted to go against the will of the brain and put the existing comfort and beauty to an abrupt end?

After I left my German teacher, I was still enormously nervous, and I weighted pros and cons for remaining many days. I had always thought I was going to say no until the last second. At the last of the last second, something in my mind ticked, I decided.

Afterwards, I went to the US indeed. The first year in the US was not easy. I did break up across continents. When I returned to the UK two years later, my old friends and I had grown apart. We were like strangers when we met again. I never went back to the old days with them. When I was in the United States, I often went back to Europe and worked hard to maintain European relations and resources, which also opened new contacts and new ideas between Europe and the United States. In hindsight, I began to understand that it is not that distance and time to be a gap. My growing apart with my old friends happened when my decision was made, as the difference in our thinking patterns and the possibility of future resources set us apart. After I came to the United States, I made new friends. After the painful break-up, I met new people. The most important thing is that my life led to a paraglide of a much newer and bigger world. Had I stayed in Europe, I would definitely not be able to have my everything now in the United States. I would not have the life cross three sub-continents now. My mental framework would be confined to a European perspective, and I would not the prosperity and flaws of America-led global libertarian order. People who remained only in the United States or between China and the United States (like many people in my position) are also confined to their world. I am lucky to be able to embrace three.

Many people may feel it could have been an easy decision. Many people felt that did I even need to hesitate there? Of course if we judge my decision as what we are now, 20 something 30 year old, 10 years older than what I was back then, having experienced a way bigger world, that decision for the 18-year old Zhu was pretty a nonsense. However, God set a wall in front of my eye for Zhu of that time. What I had in the UK by today’s standard was just a sesame, but it was everything for me at the time; it seemed so huge that it shook my mind. By today we knew that I gained a watermelon after the move, but when I made the decision, I could not see that watermelon. I gave my “everything” to go to a new place knowing nothing. Today, we would say, Zhu, you gave up nearly nothing. The point is, was it known to me, being confined by my age and cognition level, at 18-year-old?

In the years following, I often reflect on the important nodes and choices in life through my own history and observation of those around me and those I admire. Facing life choices, most of which are relevant to schools, partner, place of residence, or other important business and personal choices, it is more difficult to say yes or no? There are two distinctively different paths. Which one to choose, and how to choose the difficult and “right” thing? I don’t think there is a “correct” answer, but there is a realm of discussions. One way may be extremely tense and bright at one hand, although the other may be also beautiful. At important life nodes, I think it is more difficult to choose yes. If we choose no, we can reject the infinite unknown and guard our known. We do not tie our commitment to a time frame or a life path. If we choose yes, we choose a palette of huge uncertainties and darkness. An unknown place, a strange country, a commitment to a lifelong partner, a chance to promise… When I chose yes, there was a black hole in front of me, and I chose to jump right into it, not knowing if I had the ability to see light nor knowing how future would unfold in what ways. It is extremely risky as there has no quantifiable rewards to be visualised before taking the sacrifice and risks. I must risk it all to see what emptiness brings. However, I always think that I only live once. If I choose no instead of yes, will I regret that I do not take a look at the option yes?

I don’t know whether this decision-making method has a certain “strategic merit”, but the people I admire tend to have the same mindset. They can choose to give up comfort when they have them. They dare to choose lifelong partners when they are young. They choose ashes among the ruins, choose darkness in the darkness, and then seize the light when there is nothing left in the vacuum.

If the house is going to collapse, I want to see it fall on me

The man I had just started talking in Europe finally chose to end it. When I was planning to go to Europe to see him while in the US, I felt the difference in the way we talked the last few days. I asked him what was going on and he said we needed to meet. I quickly booked a plane ticket using mum’s money, which pissed off my mum (now I use my own money to do crazy things…). In fact, I already had a bad feeling in my stomach, but I knew I wanted to see the truth with my own eyes and solve the problem in reality.

After the cross-Atlantic flight, the man met me with a rather cold eye. After deciding whether we would talk at a café or his home, we ended up at home. Man mentioned a few reasons, the most important of which was age, then distance, etc. I collected myself in tears and headed back to London overnight to be with a friend. The friend did her best to comfort me, but I was still in an extreme pain, and I would cry so much that my tears drained.

I found the truth I wanted. The truth was cruel. It told me that this is a man who liked me, but not enough. Facing issues as age, distance, and other life commitments, he chose other things and gave up on me.

Yet I was also happy and lucky. First, this man dared to give me up quickly after a short period of hesitation. Although he was also unwilling, he did not procrastinate. If he could not give me a somewhat visual future, he left after some debates in heart. I think readers may only understand the sense of responsibility to act decisively in a relationship if you have been treated with the cruel and mentally stressful silent treatment. This man may not be the most ambitious or wise man alive, but he made himself a real man in his relationship by making a quick decision and acting on it like a real man. A real man hunts and gives up the hunt with all his heart, so he did. Second, I’m glad I saw the result with my own eyes. The house collapsed. I did not run away or flinch. I did not hesitate or harass him afterwards. I received a warning sign that the house might collapse so I came to house, and it fell on me. I was standing there right in the middle of rubbles.

Years later, this man tried to contact me. Perhaps on a second thought, as I grew older, the stressful “age” factor at the time seemed less of a dreaded issue. A thirty-year-old man and a nineteen-year-old girl can be odd, but a thirty-five-year-old man and a twenty-four-year-old woman are not as scary. Looking back on the past, one may start to rethink the eternal value, character, potential, and shining points embedded in the soul of the partner.

However, the man chose under pressure. He did not choose the value of a partner and was stopped by the wall of “age”. He did not try to break this own mental wall. I did my best to him and I had zero regrets. Cherish is a verb and a lesson learned with life and time. I had a new beau two or three months later. I tried hard to love that man, but it wasn’t me who let go. He held my hand and forced it down. I left, and I did not look back.

Gentle years, beautiful and precious moments in the waves

There was this guy who saw me on the New York subway once and was mesmerised. The subway was only a few stops away, and I would get off soon.

The guy suppressed his nervousness and came to chat with me – I found it weird. Guy wore a sweaty gym shirt and looked unattractive in the dim New York metro light. Although my first impression of the guy was underwhelmed, I left my phone number to thank his courage. Afterwards, we went on a few coffees in New York. He became a well-dressed New York financier with fine perfumes on our coffee chats, very different from how I first met him. However, I really had no feelings for this guy, so in the end we just became acquaintances, friends, and networks.

He told me later that he had never approached a girl so casually on the subway before he hit me up. Before he spoke to me, his heart was about to jump out of his throat. He just came back from the gym after a day of work. He was very tired. On this plain Friday night, he just wanted to go home and collapse on bed, but at such an unplanned time, he saw me on the subway. He said he knew he looked like shit, and he was on the New York metro that smelled worse than shit on a senseless Friday night, but he was caught by me in a red dress on the metro, and his heart soared to heaven. He told himself how many opportunities a person has in his life to meet a Goddess like this, and if he misses it, he misses it forever. So the little devil in his heart told him, go strike up a conversation, give a zero f* to what the other person thinks of you, mind zero if you dress badly, don’t care if we are in the dirtiest place in the world, matter not when the subway will arrive, ignore all the sense and nonsense in the lousy world, just do it, and you won’t know until you try. Then he approached me with his first words.

He tried, although the result was not as expected. I was his hit girl, but he was not my hit guy. Maybe after a few coffees, he also felt that I was not as his first impression. Nonetheless, at that moment in the subway, he made the most out of his beating heart and his inexplicable hormones. Later, as a friend, I also witnessed the ups and downs of his life for a period of time. Although this guy had a good degree, he was an international student. For some time, he failed to find a job and lived rather dimly. He received an interview from McKinsey three days before he was about to be deported. Two days later, he became a senior consultant at McKinsey in New York, so the repatriation letter became a long-term work permit on the night before deportation. The ups and downs of the guy are eye-opening – and I have witnessed his life being turned in just a few days. I know why. I remember him looking at me with stars in his eyes the first time he approached me and in the coffees we had.

He dared to hold true to his heart. He beat his fears. Even though results might not be exactly shaped as he wished, destiny was willing to bend for him with tenderness.

Fortunately, I have some beauty and knowledge. I have a relatively high chance of being hit up, so I am also fortunate to collect some very cute stories. Most of them had no ends, and for me they were just beautiful memories of that time in my life. I think many men have a ruler in their hearts to measure the comfort level of girls and feelings. Women may have it, I have it, and I only date people that hit my ruler over a mark. I remember on the plane to London, on the connecting flight back to Washington, next to the bus in San Francisco, and the train station in Basel, different boys approached me in different ways, whether through reading books or strike up a conversation in the flight, or speaking French when I’m buying pizza. I’m very grateful of their creativity. I still remember one-time I was skating with a friend at the Somerset House, a guy and friend followed us for a few laps. When my friend and I stopped to take pictures, the guy slid a mobile phone from the ice towards me. I unlocked the phone, it said, can I have your phone number?

I didn’t leave my phone number because guy was not my type. But he was very cute, and I will always remember and be thankful that he had a feeling for me on the ice and was so creative by sliding his phone off the ice for a girl’s number.

Some stories do not need an end or a beginning either. Because if a story begins, you don’t want it to end; a story that ends hurts. My heart is not in place, so I don’t want an innocent person to spend the vain time waiting for me. I jot down the moment of “first encounter”, because at that moment, they were very cute boys.

Once I went to surf in Jamaica, I had this encounter with a guy against the clear sky and blue ocean in a small green village. He was my surfing coach, who taught me to switch from big board to small board. I had a little attraction to him, but I knew I would never go back to Jamaica. I remember that when I held my surfboard and came out of the shower rinse from the salty water, the man’s body suddenly froze for a moment. I saw his black eyes full of the shadow of my pink clothes and the blue water. There was only a second in that moment, as he recovered quickly, and we continued to learn to surf, and then we friendly farewell. When I got back to the UK, he tried to call me on WhatsApp but I cut off contact. I didn’t want him to make a fruitless investment in me, and I didn’t want to waste his time because I knew that I only had a little feeling for him. Whenever I think of a boy who has stars in his eyes, I always think of the way he looked at me. His eyes were as shiny as his skin, both were fine like black gemstone showered by the ocean. His eyes usually imprinted the white clouds and green trees of the Caribbean. The sea gave him purity and softness. In the moment when his heart buzzed, there were a billion falling stars in his eyes, because the ocean waves washed her silhouette into his heart. If time can stay in the vast sea forever, there will be no more sadness in a lover’s eyes.

Silent treatment

People who have experienced silent treatment are unlucky, yet there is an increasing trend of silent treatments in relationships. Silent treatment mostly occurs in intimate relationships. Because of intimacy, it matters.

I am very lucky and responsible that I have never given silent treatment to anyone. Generally, within three days when my belief in a relationship starts to shake, I give the other person a clear answer.

However, not having done morally wrong does not mean not being done of morally wrong. When silent treatment occurs, it shows the cowardice on responsibility of the other person. The person who begins to treat a person coldly may not necessarily know that he or she is doing a mentally violent act or realise how terrible is the seemingly harmless silence. The cold appearance and the refusal to communicate are actually very brutal, and the damage caused to the other party on the mental level is no less than scalping the other person piece by piece with a slow knife. The victim walks into a boundless mental darkness, a space of nil. The person uses his or her bare hands and do useless struggles, while he or she is only fighting a pitiful voidness. He or she is consumed by these endless fights within his or her own brain.

The person who adopts silent treatment is a pussy, and it is because of his/her own weakness and procrastination that caused failures.

Please do not do silent treatment if you ever think of it. Let’s talk about everything, express the mess in hearts, sort out issues one by one with our partner, or make decisions and take action with confidence. If my dear reader is unfortunate to fall the victim of silent treatment, please know that you are charming and brave. Although this mishap should not happen to you, you can face it boldly, confront the other person, and flip the table. You can act, and you should act, because it’s the other person who is weak not you. I personally even think that it is okay to let his/her public life know the cowardly behaviour of this person in the relationship depending on the extent – no matter what the public life of this person is, a person failing to take responsibility for pursuing or giving up an intimate relationship is unworthy of the false cheers in public eye.

King’s destiny: throne or love?

The stories of two historical figures touched me deeply, and from this I also knew what choices I would make in situations of my life and I make efforts to do the prioritised matters every day.

The last king of a certain country (no name here to avoid controversy as he is still very hated by many) had many women in his life, and his favourite woman was his second wife. When the king was in power, the political situation was turbulent; he was surrounded by powerful and canny political enemies. He was not capable enough to handle the mess. The king’s favourite wife could not give birth to a male heir, so after a great struggle, he decided to divorce her. A country needed an heir, and the king rejected his beloved’s suggestion to abdicate and pass the throne to his half-brother years later. Between the throne and the lady, or between an heir and the lover, the king chose the former. Both the king and the discarded wife were very sad. She was disappointed. She said that the king was an eastern man after all, unlike a western man such as the Duke of Windsor that dared to abdicate for love. Decades later, the king remarried and had children and an heir. Nevertheless, if the reader still remembers, at the beginning of this paragraph I mentioned that this king was the last king of the dynasty. Politics was so turbulent that he could not handle the scene. In his life, he made several (not clairvoyant) decisions that landed him to his destiny. When the revolution broke out, the king was deposed and exiled. He suffered from cancer and waited to die in a foreign country. Before he died, his divorced wife called and said that she still loved him even after so many years. The king replied, I love you too. The two wanted to arrange a meeting, yet before the reunion occurred, he died in foreign land. The son of the king never became emperor. The king certainly respected and loved other wives, but love has a different depth, and I am wondering if he ever regretted of losing his most beloved? As an outsider with a near-God-perspective outside of the history books, I feel it is a pity. Is it worth it? The king gave up love for the heir, but was his life really happy? Yes he had an heir, but wasn’t he still the last king? Had the king abdicated for love, he would have not experienced a life of displacement and ended up dying in a foreign land. His ashes have not yet returned to his homeland even today.

It also reminded me of Napoleon. Napoleon had a glorious empire and countless women in his life. The only one he deeply loved was Josephine. His relationship with Josephine was filled with betrayals and affairs. Neither of them cherished each other when they were young. Like the previously mentioned king’s situation, Josephine could not bear Napoleon an heir. Napoleon chose to divorce Josephine after some debates. At the end of Napoleon’s life, he was impoverished, exiled to St Helena, and his empire fell apart. At the end of his life, he thought of France, his military career. Paralleling to these labels was not an heir but Josephine (France, l’armée, tête d’armée, Joséphine).

If I were an emperor, would I choose the throne or the beauty? I would definitely choose the beauty. Perhaps, I would look for the solutions that gave me the best of both worlds or half of each. There are many ways of living and many solutions in this world. The choice does not have to be between A or B; it can be sorted in a dynamic way that arrange and combine things to possibilities. Those who are daring and strong-fisted revise the constitution, so they can keep throne and the beauty both in hands.

The throne is the hallucination in the snap of a finger. It can indeed make a man and a woman realise the value as of a career, but it is nothing but a shadow and fantasy. How much political splendour can a person have in a short life, and how much of the glory can make a person truly happy?

Isn’t happiness in the eyes and smiles of the beloved? We say that if the love is separated by mountains and seas, we should even the mountains and seas. If we sacrifice our love because the pressures of the mountains and seas are grand, what we win in this mortal and immortal world? Do we lose our most important thing? When a bundle of options is reduced to an A-B choice, and when A-B choice lost its original intention, that is the true sorrow and loss.

Marguerite Duras wrote at the end of her autobiographical novel L’Amant that the Chinese lover from years back called again when he was old. He came to Paris and said to his long-lost French lover, I still love you after so many years, and I will never stop loving you. After so many years, after an unsatiable marriage, so why don’t they cherish the love before all these years set off to fly? Why don’t they dare to give up things when they know they have met their rare encounter of love? Since they are in love, why they bow to other soulless things?

Des années après la guerre, après les mariages, les enfants, les divorces, les livres, il était venu à Paris avec sa femme. Il lui avait téléphoné. C’est moi. Elle l’avait reconnu dès la voix. Il avait dit: je voulais seulement entendre votre voix. Elle avait dit: c’est moi, bonjour. Il était intimidé, il avait peur comme avant. Sa voix tremblait tout à coup. Et avec le tremblement, tout à coup, elle avait retrouvé l’accent de la Chine. Il savait qu’elle avait commencé à écrire des livres, il l’avait su par la mère qu’il avait revue à Saigon. Et aussi pour le petit frère, qu’il avait été triste pour elle. Et puis il n’avait plus su quoi lui dire. Et puis il le lui avait dit. Il lui avait dit que c’était comme avant, qu’il l’aimait encore, qu’il ne pourrait jamais cesser de l’aimer, qu’il l’aimerait jusqu’à sa mort.

Years after the war, after marriages, children, divorces, books, he had come to Paris with his wife. He phoned her. It’s me. She had recognised him from the voice. He said: I only wanted to hear your voice. She said: it’s me, hello. He was intimidated, he was afraid as before. His voice was suddenly shaking. And with the tremor, suddenly, she found the accent of China. He knew that she started to write books, he had heard about it from the mother he had seen in Saigon. And also for the little brother, that he was sorry for her. And then he hadn’t known what to say to her. And then he told her. He had told her that it was like before, that he still loved her, that he could never stop loving her, that he would love her until he dies.

It’s a pity that time ex-ante easily distorts the truly valuable things, which only to be realised ex-post. When people are young, they easily give up things that hold truth and meaning in life. Many years later, when they are old in their deathbed, they may regret of not choosing the person they love long ago and not holding on to the things that matter. Young people may think that they are the toughest men or women in the world, but the power is within falling backwards and bending softly in the arms of God. In this world, mountains may be even and the earth may be broken, but heart and love should not be disappointed.

Books, travel, choices

There are many decisions to be made in one’s life, and there are very few important decisions. It is that small minority of decisions to have far-reaching effects and alter the fate of a person or even a group of people. Politicians need to make the future of the country, kings need to choose the fate of the people, and everyone needs to decide their career, residence, and partner. Sometimes there are right and wrong in choices, and sometimes there are wise and less wise in choices. Some decisions carry the power to see through years into the future welfare; when a decision is made, the destiny can be sealed for decades or hundreds of years. Making clairvoyant decisions and selecting choices is the power and ability of the wise. It is difficult to choose. The hard part is that choosing has consequences: yes has consequences, no has consequences. Consequences can come of large and small size, and some consequences are not known before making a decision. Some weighting factors do not have visualised value until years later.  

I don’t have a good way to make decisions, because humans can think relatively, only God can do an absolute observation. To better live my life and carry my cool, I diligently read, travel, and use other people’s stories and lives to increase my experience and knowledge reserves. At the same time, I keep trying on things in life not just limiting to thinking. Gradually I manage to organise my thoughts on life (at least try to). During the journey with my therapist, I am grateful that she has taught me three inner forces of a human being: love, hate and fear. Oftentimes when we make decisions, we are afraid of making decisions. Fear of the unknown, fear of moving, fear of leaving, fear of losing, fear of falling off a cliff, fear of commitment, fear of marriage, fear of rejection from a lover, fear of not being cherished, fear of stepping down, fear of not having enough power within our heart. Many people make decisions, do they really listen to their hearts when they decide on matters? Did we see the priceless value of matters and truly weigh the pros and cons? Instead of letting fear make decisions for me, I learned to let love guide my mind. Among the three powers, the power of love is the greatest, and this is also the power of God. Love points me to different solutions and possibility. Jesus was crucified not because he was afraid, but because he loved the world.

Courage, for girls

 A recent decision also carries a tremendous weight for me, and I made this decision and chose yes (not marriage) in darkness. There was considerable opposition before the decision was made and significant pressures after the decision was made. My heart made me choose yes, because no was not an option; I made this decision with love and trust in my ability to handle a mess. I had the courage to respect the voice of my own heart. Without disturbing others too much, I made actions that I would not regret.

Every coin has two sides. The flip side of courage is imprudence; but life is only once, so what about imprudence?

On March 8th, I heard the news of a Taiwanese celebrity Shiyuan Hsu getting married again. She divorced her husband of 10 years and quickly remarried to her first love 20 years ago within months. It is true that marriage does take long-term commitments, but Tsu dared to gamble and was swift enough in giving up love and finding love. If she tries it, then she knows right or wrong. Between yes and no, choosing yes may not be successful, but choosing no will definitely fail.

As girls, we do not live an easy life. We need to overcome more difficulties than men to get the same rewards. Some of us may have more power and selection of choices than most of the men, but we pay more and work harder than men in the same rank. Shiyuan Hsu had what it took to make a decision that was loyal to her heart and cherished the present, because she had the confidence, wealth, resources, and power to do so. As girls, what are we going to choose and what should we do? What to choose when we are lost? What to choose when we are gray, when we are in pain?

I would say, do whatever the fuck we want. I say let’s choose whatever we want in our hearts. Let’s not care what other people think or if the idea or the choice is stupid, cheap, eye-opening, crazy, worthy, short-sighted, unrecommended, “wrong”. As long as we do not do morally corrupted things that tramp our own bottom lines, we can let our possibility flow freely. Nothing is wrong; if the choice is “wrong”, let’s do it, so we know if it is wrong. God always lay brick walls, place dead ends, and create cliffs. He is not telling us to not go, but on the contrary to encourage us to go. Only when we jump off the cliff will we know whether the other side is a better world rich in scenery, or is it really just a cliff? Even if it’s just a cliff, there is nothing to be afraid as we can start over again. Even if we fall and die, we are in the arms of God.

In my life, I repeatedly chose to leave a comfort zone and embraced a vast sky, which often appeared in the form of a black hole. I saw the hole, so I jumped right into it, holding a firm belief of love and conviction in my fiery heart. If I do not make difficult decisions myself and leave my comfort zone at an immature time, God will force me to take actions with an even worse timing and way less favourable conditions.

I did whatever the fuck I wanted, acknowledging, appreciating, but ignoring advices. I have the confidence and ability to make the decisions I want, and I’m constantly improving the confidence and power of being able to have more choices. The confidence may come from money, power, appearance, vision, knowledge, mindset, mental framework, or the ability to take the initiative to choose and accept challenges proactively. Under pressure I chose things I believed in and the people I wanted. Project, career, lover, I did it, I tried my best. I may not get what I want and I may fail, but I dare to take the risk of failure. I have the ability to handle a failure, as I can always start over. Is there a plan b in this world? Yes. Not only plan b, we also have plan z. In any difficult situation, we may choose between A and B, but we can also create solutions more than the two. A crisis is a not the dead-end, but the cul-de-sac. Plan a to z, there is only one name behind it, that is myself.

Fragmented essay as above, written at the airport before a journey, and during a journey. The story is unfinished, the ending may fail, and there may not be an update.

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